I have never been a good sleeper. My mom tells me that as a baby, I did little more than catnap. I wasn’t capable of taking real afternoon naps. I’m still not. Sometimes I lay there and try, but I always fail. My failure at this skill is particularly obvious here in Greece where everyone takes a long afternoon nap every day. I may be the only person in the country who is up between 2pm and 4 pm.
My sleeping problem is not restricted to naps. I frequently have trouble falling asleep at night regardless of how tired I am or the fact that I was practically passed out on the couch before climbing into bed. I remember that when I was little I would lay in bed for what seemed an interminable length (probably less than a half an hour really) and not be able to sleep. I’d creep out of my bed and down the stairs and then present myself at the top of the stairs to the family room announcing, “Mom, I can’t sleep.” My mom would then respond, “Close your eyes, lay real still and don’t say a word.” I guess the advice worked, because I’d eventually fall asleep.
Now sometimes no matter how hard I try to follow her advice, I just can’t get to sleep. I’m a very picky sleeper. I hate any form of light or noise. I prefer the room to be cool so I can use a lot of blankets. But even with all these conditions met, there is no guarantee that I will fall asleep. My mind and body do not have a harmonious relationship. As soon as my body decides it wants to sleep, my mind races to life and cannot be shut down. I think about everything. Books I’m reading. Things I want to write about. What I have to do the next day. What happened that day. And lots of things that I can’t describe because they make absolutely no sense.
But there are times when I sleep perfectly. When I fall asleep with no effort. When I sleep the whole night through, untouched by worries about things I need to do or things I didn’t get done. When even a little light or a little noise has no bearing on my slumber. I used to think it was random whether I had a good night sleeping or a terrible night of tossing and turning. But it’s not. There are certain times that I sleep well no matter what. Like when Jeff’s around. I can have a huge project to work on the next day. I can have spent the whole day worrying and driving myself insane. But come that night, I will sleep well. The reason, I’ve figured, is that I’m right where I’m supposed to be. The work will get done, the worries will prove fruitless. Everything will work out. When he’s there, I quit worrying about the future and reliving the past. I’m perfectly content in the here and now. And that makes for a great night’s sleep.
Interestingly, I’ve slept great since I’ve been here in Greece. It was one of my worries before I left. Knowing my difficulties with sleep, I pictured myself staring at the ceiling all night long, getting up for drinks of water, trying to read a few pages, and watching the hours in which I should be sleeping tick away. But I fall asleep fairly easily and wake refreshed in the morning. It’s a good sign. I don’t believe there’s only one right place for a person to be or one best route for a person to take. There are a number of places I could be right now and be happy, content in the moment, sleeping well. There are also a lot of places I could be where I’d be tossing and turning, dreading the work that had to be done the next day, wondering what the heck I was doing there. Fortunately, that’s not the case. For now, I’m right where I’m supposed to be. The bed-head proves it.
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